Hamna: An Inventory of Being (poem)

I am Hamna.

I am fourteen years old.

I am a Muslim, but never a terrorist.

A teenager, afraid to be confident.

If I lay in my queen-sized bed in my room, I don’t know how tall I am.

I own seven scarves, most of them chiffon.

Sometimes I wear my hijab loose and I am Malala or my mom

Or in multiple folds and I am a creased goddess.

Or let it wrap around and around my head.

I am a learner, and a teacher, and a forgiver;

Almost complete, but always missing something.

I love my mom's nihari and my dad’s BBQed corn.

I am younger than Sunny,

Older than Mariam.

I love the smell of jasmine flowers.

I drink chai with lots of sugar and biscuits on the side.

My mom is concerned about the sugar part.

Millions are lost, but some are found

I'm afraid of questioning things.

I like orderliness and Oreos, but

I hate summer and chocolate-on-chocolate.

I like simplicity, and stained glass, and

Soft prayer mats, because I like to keep my head to the ground.

I like glitzy outfits and huge chandeliers and watercolor paintings and

I don't believe in reverse racism, but I don't tell anyone that,

And I will go to nonsense parties on the weekends,

Because I love home cooked food.

I can be confusing at times.

I love gold.

I like zircon more than diamonds,

And talking more than texting.

Someday I want to change the world,

But just not yet.

Someday I want to be a leader

But they'll have to wait,

Because I want to be a follower first.

I dream too big.

At times I don’t understand those around me, but keep quiet about it

I know that there are those who don’t accept me

But I don't understand why they are afraid of me.

I'm a supporter of all types of people.

I would love to meet new ones.

I'm disappointed in this world,

And I’m looking forward to the next.

I don't know if I like my name.

I love running around in parking lots and getting lost in my thoughts.

I make people go crazy at times, but they always end up sane in the end.

I am in love with Munchkin cats and late nights on my prayer mat.

I love wind and rain and Draft horses,

And my music taste is a mess.

And I don't like itchy salwaar kameez or watermelon or gossip and

I adore the Qur’an.

I love slipping out of the venue and running around with my childhood friends.

I don’t talk to them anymore.

I love swirled ice cream from the ice cream trucks outside of school.

I miss playing Ding-Dong Ditch on the villas next door

With my friend from across the world.

I love to go horse-back riding, but I haven’t done it in a while.

I hate the smell of the beach back home.

I'd rather cycle than ride. But I'll fly anywhere.

I don't want to go to high school, but I don’t know what’s in store.

I compare myself to others too much,

And I always want to be more humble.

I wish I would remember that this world is temporary.

I care too much, sometimes, and cry too much, often, and

Wish I could sleep too much, always.

I don’t want to get too comfortable in this world

Because if this world was Jannah I'd feel more comfortable in it.

I’ve spent too much money in Super Mini Markets.

And I’ve realized I’m really good at beach volleyball.

I think too slow.

I hate fake people, but I have loved fake celebrities.

Not everyone understands me,

But some people think they do and

They're probably wrong.

I don’t break promises and I always keep secrets.

Some don’t decide to do the same.

I need someone to talk to me, because I have a lot to say.

I used to think “I love you” was real love

My mom taught me otherwise.

I have always wanted to go to space, but I don’t want to be too worldly.

I've always felt that I am always wrong.

I don’t know if I’m a good friend.

I either love or hate dupattas; it depends on the material.

I like men who know that women are precious,

And I hate some aspects of my cultures.

I don’t know what will happen in the future and it scares me,

But, inshaAllah, things will be just fine.

My name is Hamna, and this is 2018.